Welcome to the Jungle

Think of someone with whom you have an unresolved relationship. Imagine that person as an animal, taking the first animal that comes to mind. Now imagine yourself as a different animal. You’re moving through a forest, maybe in the US, maybe in SE Asia. You enter a clearing and come face to face with the other animal. What happens?

While away on my trip, I learned that I am a koala. I may look or be perceived a cute, sweet, and passive when you first meet me, but I can be territorial and will stand my ground if provoked. Koalas can be vicious! The person with whom I feel I have an unresolved relationship with is an old friend. I am having trouble picturing her as an animal, but for the sake of the fight, I'll say she's a fierce monkey with sharp teeth - maybe a Mandrill. The fight is fair. 

We pad our way into the clearing and when our gazes meet, there is tension. Low snarls can be heard from both parties. The air is warm, humid, and thick. It is hard to take in a full breath, especially with a lump in my throat. I feel a mixture of emotions when I look at her: sadness, frustration, remorse.

At first neither animal knows whether the other is there to take over. Neither party knows if they should lunge and begin the fight, or stay still and continue letting the tension take over.

Where Music Takes Me

Put on a piece of music you love. Write a scene or story called to mind by this piece.

If I told you how long it took me to decide which song to put on, you would be shocked - a day and a half! Not only did this decision take a while because I am an indecisive person, but because music is a huge part of my everyday life. I listen to music while walking to class, while working out, while showering, while studying (sometimes), and if I'm in the mood, before bed. Although I'm constantly listening to music, I do not have a favorite genre, artist, or album. If asked about my favorite kind of music, I usually respond with "the kind that takes me somewhere." 

Music has the ability to take me places when life gets to be too much. I listen to Latin pop music, or Reggaeton, when I want to be transported to the beach. I listen to the Motown sounds when I want to be hanging out in the backyard of my childhood home with my family on a breezy summer day. I listen to country music when I want to be taken back to the muddy fields of Country Thunder (a country music festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin). If you can name a song or type of music, I can probably name the memory of a place or time that my mind is instantly delivered to. 

After a day of thinking about different songs that make me think of a scene or story from my life, I decided on No Sugar Tonight by The Guess Who. Not only does this song make me think of my family, specifically my father, but it also brings me back to 2005 when we took a trip to Alaska. I was only five years old when we took the trip so that my father, my Uncle Neal, and my Aunt Deborah could run one of many marathons that they've completed all together. These marathons were a large part of my childhood because dad was frequently training and Aunt Deborah was coming into town for the Chicago Marathon on a yearly basis. I think of my dad when I hear this song because he really enjoys it and had put it on when I first heard it. Thinking about this memory from Alaska and my father together, I feel an odd sense of pride in the fact that he was running a marathon - something not everyone can say they've accomplished. 

Hearing No Sugar Tonight plucks me from my cozy bedroom in Iowa City and drops me (fifteen years younger) into a large train car in Anchorage. It's bright from the blurred white surroundings that whip past us and I feel so small compared to the large booth seat I'm sitting in. The train is wide enough to fit two large tables with a walkway in the middle, and tall enough that my six foot father could raise his arms and just barely touch the ceiling. I'm sitting next to my (then) seven year old brother and we are using a headphone splitter to watch something on my dad's old laptop. 

Life looks so simple on this train ride. Yes, it was a vacation, but I was also in kindergarten at the time,. For this reason, No Sugar Tonight puts me in a good mood, even while the words to the song are not necessarily positive ones. On top of this, because the song is tied to family, it makes me happy to hear that first strum of the guitar and the peaceful beginning melody.

30 Years From Now

 30 years from now, when I am 50, I want to see that my life was full of joy, love, laughter, travel, great friends, and good food. While this isn't exactly a bucket list for the next 30 years of my life, it's a rough look at what I want my life to include in the future.

-Sunsets. Lots and LOTS of sunsets. From a balcony, a sandy beach, a warm spot, a cold spot, and with the people I love.

-Exercise. I will never - and I mean NEVER - get used to running, but I'd sure as hell like to try to...hopefully...one day...start to enjoy it. I love how empowered I feel after a good workout, and I never want to be without that high.

-Friends. We all have 'em and we all need 'em. Not only do my friends bring all the joy in the world to me, but they do it with such flare that every day becomes a joyful mystery in the grand scheme of life.

-Hugs. I crave hugs on a daily basis and I am positive that this will never change. Good thing my roommates enjoy hugs as much as I do :)

-Family. Coming from a big family is one of my life's greatest aspects. There is never a dull moment and while some people may not like that, I tend to gravitate towards some chaotic energy. 

An Ode to the Old Lilly

Ladies and gentleman, 

We are gathered here today with heavy hearts as we lay the old Lilly to rest. Although we are sad to see her overly positive spirit go, the new Lilly reminds us that a positive spirit truly never dies and by that thought, we are uplifted! 

The old Lilly was kind, but subservient; outgoing, but much too timid when it came to her needs; and calm, but only as a facade to hide her anxieties. She was a lot of good things, but had negative aspects to match. While nothing looked quite wrong with Lilly on the outside, there were constantly storms brewing when she shied away from the things that scared her, or when friends let her down, or when she couldn't find balance in her life. 

The old Lilly wanted everyone to like her and constantly needed approval from her peers. The new Lilly reminds us that not only is this an unattainable goal, but that the only person who should truly like you is YOU! "Be confident in yourself and your abilities; ask for help when you need it; and, remember that you are only human," says the new Lilly. 

The old Lilly had anxiety that was rooted deeply in her desire to be in control. The new Lilly wakes up every day feeling grateful to see another sunshine and laughter-filled day. "Everything happens for a reason. Not everything is in your hands at all times," says the new Lilly to herself when life presents obstacles.

The old Lilly could not seem to find balance; work and play did not exist in her life at the same time and she felt like she could only have one or the other. For the new Lilly, finding the balance between work and play is a constant struggle, but she has found more balance in her life than the old Lilly could dream of. "At the end of the day, every task will get done, but you will not feel fulfilled if you do not take time for yourself every day. Even if they are small acts of self-care, take time out of your busy day to remind yourself that you deserve the best that life has to offer," the new Lilly muses.

While we wearily lay the old Lilly down, the new Lilly resembles the old in many ways. The new Lilly bears all the positive qualities of the old Lilly, and while there are still flaws - everyone has them - the best of Lilly is here and is yet to come!

More Than an Object

  September 20, 2020  

    When tasked with the responsibility of naming an object from my life that played an important role in shaping me and says something about my culture, my mind immediately pictured my favorite childhood toy. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed Barbie doll that I received when I was about 7 years old was one of those toys that young girls’ dreams are made of. Even now at the age of 20, I remember the doll fondly and can picture it sitting in my childhood bedroom, in my mom’s old car, in my carry-on bag, and just about everywhere in between.

    Barbie dolls were, and still are, a hot commodity. Right now, a Barbie doll without any other accessories sells for about $10. With other toy accessories, such as Barbie’s professional tools (maybe she’s a doctor or a chef!), the doll is sold for anywhere from $20 to $50 dollars. To fully explore how Barbie describes my childhood and, more importantly, my culture, I need to be honest about the fact that I owned more than just one Barbie doll. During my childhood, I had about 15 different Barbies. 

    Rather than let you make assumptions about how I grew up based on the amount of dolls I owned, I think it is easier to say, plainly, that I was raised comfortably. My affluent hometown of Northbrook, Illinois is where I learned that I was more fortunate than most, including some of the families in Northbrook. This is not to say that my family is extremely wealthy, but that Barbie had a “girl gang” that I was able to play with. 

    My Barbie dolls were more than just dolls to me. Barbie, or Francesca every time I played with her, was everything I wanted to be. Not only did Francesca get to be fearless and confident, but she was thin and long-legged with silky hair and boobs! As a young girl, my Barbie was the picture of beauty and happiness. On top of this, Barbie always had the perfect man by her side - Ken - and many great careers to choose from. Boy, did Barbie set unrealistic expectations! While she was my favorite doll, Barbie’s looks, relationship status, and lifestyle painted an image in my head of what my life should look like throughout my teen years and beyond. Looking back, some aspects of reality paled in comparison to Barbie’s life and the image that I had as a child. 

    While these thoughts may seem like negatives in my life, I have come to the conclusion that Barbie helped me more than hurt me. When I think about my Barbie dolls, I remember the play-dates with my friends and the good times that Barbie represents. More importantly, remembering how Barbie’s image made me hopeful for the future actually taught me a very valuable lesson: there is no singular way to be a successful woman. A strong, independent, and confident woman can be any color or size, can be with or without a partner, and can wear many different hats. Today, Barbie dolls are made in varying skin types and sizes, with different professions and lifestyles. I am thankful for Barbie dolls in my childhood, and even more thankful that today’s youth gets to experience a more diverse range of Barbies.

Lilly's Life Update

It pains me to have to write - and come to terms with - the fact that Lainie and I have been home for 2 whole months. As I should have written sooner, our trip was cut short. It's almost comical that we prepared so much for our trip and ultimately were brought home by something we could not control. What are the chances that a freaking pandemic lead to our trip's demise. We were "ready" for any and every illness, except covid. 

From my last blog, Lainie and I were leaving Brisbane for Bali. We crossed that border with our prepared visas - they were not allowing visa upon entry - and made it to our natural beauty of a hotel in Ubud. It was very lucky that we received our Indonesian visas before leaving the U.S.! We arrived at the hotel where we planned to stay for a few days before beginning our last volunteer opportunity: sea turtle conservation on the island of Nusa Penida. Little did we know, we would be forced to come home before we could even see the ocean. The hotel in Ubud was very open and full of greenery; the weather, hot and sticky! As soon as we dropped our bags in the room, Lainie and I went out to explore the hotel and the area.

After enjoying the complimentary afternoon tea, treats, and scenery under the dining pavilion, we wandered along the main roads of Ubud. The area around our hotel was pretty tourist-y and full of shops, but still a huge change from Australia. It felt almost lonely being the minority again - white, English speaking people. 

The next morning, I awoke (earlier than usual) to Lainie on the phone with our mom back in Illinois. I could hear both of them frantically using their computers, as well as their worried tones. It turned out that at about 6 a.m. (our time), the U.S. requested that all citizens who were not prepared to be outside of the country, INDEFINITELY, make their way back. Well, that meant Lainie and I. Thus, when I was woken up by the sound of computers and choked-up voices, Lainie was booking our flights home for that evening. 

All together, we had about 24 hours to see Bali, and that's exactly what we did. Lainie and I chose the couple attractions closest to our hotel to explore in the morning, including the monkey forest and one of the markets, and packed up our stuff in the early afternoon. Neither of us were ready to go home. We felt sick at the idea of missing out on the turtle conservation program, and I just felt sick in general. The combination of depression and febrility made for a day that will never be forgotten: the final day.

The flights home were miserable. Lainie only showed a stone exterior, but I knew that underneath she was fighting tears of sadness and anger. The first flight to Jakarta was short and didn't allow for much time to grasp what was happening. Our next flight to Tokyo was 7 hours of melancholy feelings. And, finally, our flight from Tokyo to Chicago was 11 hours of tears. Tears for missed memories; tears for feverish chills and headaches; and, tears for questionable futures in a world that wouldn't feel like the one that we left 2 months prior.

I wanted to write this update after spending a good amount of time at home with my thoughts. I've come to find that the sunny days here in Northbrook, Illinois are harder than the rainy gloomy days. The sun's warmth reminds me of the heat and humidity of the cities that we visited, and of the beaches that Lainie and I explored. The beautiful days remind me of what we missed out on.

Stay tuned for more thoughts!

-Lilly

The Ripple Effect

The name of this blog is coming from a song that I am currently listening to: Ripple (2013 remaster) by the Grateful Dead. Ripple came on and I found the name very fitting to the current climate of the world - one small action is spreading waves to every single person on this earth. Lainie and I flew to Brisbane, Australia today and are meant to travel to Bali tomorrow for the last month of our trip. The only problem? Indonesia is about to close their borders to tourists, and the USA may not let us back in in a months' time. We even had to run (literally) to a clinic in Airlie Beach, Australia today - before our flight to Brisbane - in order to get a "clean" bill of health to provide once we arrive in Indonesia, as well as to our volunteer coordinators. Needless to say, we are frantic but still rolling with the punches.

Since my last blog, Lainie and I traveled to Sydney, Australia (which may be one of my favorite destinations thus far). As we began our flight descent, I was gripped with excitement as I stared out the window at the magnificent Sydney Opera House! I'm still not sure why it made me feel such exhilaration, but I almost grabbed my sleeping sister and I had to take a photo - which came out horrible. Maybe because it's so highly regarded/so famous? Anyway, we landed and immediately began exploring the city - earning ourselves about 27,000 steps! On that first day, we saw St. Mary's Cathedral, Hyde Park, and Circular Quay where we took a tour of the opera house. The next couple days were chock-full of the most incredible views from coastal walks (multiple!), and wandering around the city. We visited Taronga Zoo and saw a stand-up comedy show, as well.

Lainie and I were running out of funds - naturally - and decided to take trips to the grocery store for food (protein bars, yogurt, cheese/crackers, fruits and veggies) for breakfasts and dinners. To be quite honest, munching on a homemade charcuterie plate - and some wine - for dinner never got old!

On our last night in Sydney, Lainie and I were fortunate enough to get together with one of our friends from volunteering in Vietnam! It was great to see Neil. Him and I had become great friends while volunteering and have kept in touch ever since. Neil and his mate took Lainie and I bar-hopping in Newtown and we had a blast!

The next day, Lainie and I flew to Airlie Beach, Australia, for a "vacation from our vacation." Airlie is on the mainland but a short boat-ride from the Whitsunday Islands and some breathtaking snorkeling. I usually hate snorkeling, but because we were in the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park, I pushed myself to go and I do NOT regret it. We took two boat trips devoted to snorkeling and exploring a couple of the Whitsunday Islands. The lookout views were spectacular - especially the swirling sands of Hill Inlet - and the snorkeling was like a neon dream full of colorful fish and live coral. It was extraordinary!

As I mentioned, we flew to Brisbane today and will (hopefully) board for Bali tomorrow. The Bali portion of this adventure is one that Lainie and I have been really looking forward to, so my fingers are crossed that everything works out in our favor. I can't help but feel that we are being selfish with our time because we have not cut our trip short. Is it rude to others that we are still crossing borders, even while we feel healthy? At any rate, beautiful Bali, we are excited to see you!!

Hoping everyone is staying healthy and happy,
Lilly